Just unbelievable...

Well, Katy Perry sure did show Lady Gaga how to make a non-blasphemous video, it makes me think there might not even be a god at all. I've joked about things being sweet enough to give me diabetes, but this is the first time that's not hyperbole. I genuinely had a physical reaction to this song, hunger, nausea, salivation and disgust at the painful sexual metaphors, even less subtle than in the song. The whipped cream scene at the end is probably as close to pornography as is possible in a music video. If the food-porn axis didn't inherently turn me off, I might have found it titillating. But then, there's the emphasis on childishness and the abuse of well-loved children's game CandyLand. This is of course, another disturbing trend, where adult women pretend to be little girls to provoke some sort of sexual reaction in men, but it's been around forever. The terrible thing in this case is that Snoop Dogg and Katy Perry have somehow been convinced that some winking and irony is enough to make it palatable

Germany musically relevant outside of death metal

I really like this song, so it's a huge surprise it won Eurovision, and it's German as well! When I heard this song I was convinced it was by one of those mockney songstresses the British Music industry flooded the mainland with 2004-2008, but no. As you can imagine, this didn't sound so good live, but as a pop single it's infectiously fun. The exquisitely mannered way it's sung is perfect for the choppy production, and who cares if it's clearly sung by someone who thinks they're a much better singer than they are, that happens to be utterly charming in this case. I'm almost sorry I didn't watch Eurovision, but who wants to sit through 4 hours of 80% shit if you have something better to do? Germany is delighted of course, and is responsible for the gaga-esque view count on the video. For extra fun, check out the comments where sore loser Slavic peoples are loudly calling for bombing raids on each others' countries.

Alejandro video controversial!

Well, there it is. The only connection to the Spanish title is the juxtaposition of fascist and catholic elements, both of which aren't really spectacularly well done in this case. The only interesting element of the general choreography are the 'monks' and their gay/sm dancing. Gaga's outfits are considerably less interesting. That latex nun outfit makes me think of a sex in the 90's kind of documentary less than anything groundbreaking. Gaga's eyebrows are gone again, but what it signifies this time? I just know I don't like it. In general, I found this video to be sort of boring compared to the last few. Oh, and Katy Perry apparently thinks it's sacrilegious, unlike her video for California girls which doesn't exist, but judging by a song where she tries to sound like Miley Cyrus, is probably going to be a derivative, dayglo nadir of banality featuring Snoop Dogg:

What's with all the quirky female singers

I missed this one, because it's from Germany. But anyway, what's her deal? That's not how I remembered 1994, and also kind of weird to hear someone in pop admit to having been a teenager when the current crop of teenagers were born.



Or this one? Denmark.

There just seems to be a new standard pattern for all female artists and it's this. Quirky videos with weird outfits, regardless of your music. I'm not saying I'm against it, it's just creeping me out that there's this concerted effort going on to standardise uniqueness. Don't they realise there's no such thing as middle of the road weird? You have to take the chance to genuinely alienate your audience and even then they might just shrug. This creepy puppet video has the right idea:

Will.i.am blands it up a notch

Jesus Christ, how bland can one song be? Will.i.am isn't exactly a favorite of mine, it always sounds like he steals 2 or 3 good bits from a good artist, then proceeds to surround it with pure shit. This is one is worse than most, though. There's some lackluster singing over a way too long intro, then a generic poppy ballad verse backing track backs the chorus, then it's back to the intro. I could have made this with Ableton, and I have no musical talent whatsoever. Why the hell would Micheal Jackson have been working with this guy? I genuinely liked Cheryl Cole's last song, because it had a brilliant base line, underneath the requisite diabetic coma of a love song. That video also had something going for it, weird outfits like some low-rent gaga and visual effects that weren't just as boring and confusing as maritime law. The split screens come together, it was all the same space all along? Just buy a fucking computer already, and do something interesting.

Kesha's career is following a pattern

In fantastically bad taste, this video finally gets the Kesha train back on track. The song is showing that whatever zeitgeisty producing duo is behind this, they now know how to perfectly match up their production to the vocodered valley girl inflections for maximum frontal lobe damage. As a culture, we've all won. But more importantly, two or three more singles, the inevitable Christmas album, the lackluster second album, lots of weird collaborations and then the 'back to basics' album (you know, acoustic guitars) and then years in the making comeback. The only question that remains is will the ridiculous 'bad girl' image last that long? It's endearing, but I don't think anyone is buying it.

Originality is about concealing sources...

Christ... It's getting harder and harder to see popular videos. Fuck VEVO and everything it stands for. Anyway, Christina Aguilera is back to recapture the 'outrageous blonde popstar' position from Lady Gaga. Unfortunately, ripping of the same basic source, Madonna, makes it look like she's ripping of Gaga. Every shot, every idea in this video is from a Madonna video. The song's title, and the blatant way in which it's copied is a definite message, but not the one I think they were after. I'm thinking this was meant as a kind of retort, i.e. 'I've been ripping off Madonna since the 90's'. Clever, but it's kind of missing the point. Gaga isn't wholly original, but she is going for the exact same feeling, not the whole thing again. Mostly, this video is a boring, desperate grab for our attention from someone who's just realised that she's become totally irrelevant in the last two years or so. But if that isn't following in Madonna's footsteps, what is? Expect a graphic sexual photography coffee table book by Christmas!

Mid week video round up

Iyaz, the frontman for my proposed racially diverse boyband, the sugar thugs, gets in to the summer vibe with his new cool island video for a groan worthy pun song. It's got all the hallmarks, except for the 'tropical' lyrics. He might well be from the dominican republic or something like that (no, not going to the wikipedia page.), but some astute record executive should have realised that the video made this a coll island song to warm our hearts, and should have (1) pina colada or fruit reference...



The youtube comments for this are grumpy about this song sounding somewhat like Ace of Base's 'Don't Turn Around' as if Ace of Base is a paragon of originality, no one's commented on ABBA's Fernando, which is name checked. But what I really want to know, what's the video going to be like? Subject matter, etc. seems to point to a bolero jacket made from garbage bags and Gaga in a bloddy bullfighting match. Can't wait!

Every reality show ever...

Well if that doesn't stop you flattering yourself about the idiots you keep watching, I don't know what will. That's the sad tragedy of the ironic viewer, you're really watching it because you like it, even though you won't admit it. I think celebrity news should just be part of the whole main event anyway. Knowing that there's a weird twitter-based argument between two people you haven't thought about since '98 going on at this very moment is usually pretty uplifting, coming after the natural disasters, financial doom, political instability and random acts of senseless violence that make up the bulk of it. It's even a great all-purpose palate cleanser. Try this after a hard day's work and encroaching misery: Type [celebrity name] fight into google to end up somewhere fun. Who knew Nicole Kidman's bodyguard punched some guy?

Sugar thugs

Or Chris Brown, Sean Kingston, Jay Sean, Jason Derulo or even Lil' Wayne who is getting in on the act. There's a distinct effort to sell old fashioned R 'n B love songs to teenagers with some fresh, poppy production and bright colourful videos. Non-threatening, sensitive leading men are the bread and butter of such an effort, so Brown and currently incarcerated Lil' Wayne are struggling to be believable. There's no reason they can't graduate to lyrics about sex and drugs for a more adult market later. It's really a genius idea, marrying current production techniques and styles more often used for female artists to syrupy sweet content primed for teenage girls and gay men. Next, a racially diverse boyband with easily identifiable stock chararcters on the range between sweet kid and bad boy. It's the wave of the future.

French music is back, for now...

This excellent piece of popular music, burrowing into your brain and setting up shop instantly, is Belgian, so it's probably not as carefree as it sounds. The video and what I'm able to pick up from the lyrics seem to suggest a deep world-weariness not in keeping with the happy occasion. You see, this is the first time in years that something French was a hit in the rest of the European continent. France sort of started to trail off in the sixties, when it bypassed Rock and Roll entirely, and aside from a few pieces in the eighties and nineties, all French chart topping music has been in English. It takes just this kind of production, pitched right between annoying and unforgettable to make it, let's hope this means we'll have to learn French again. I actually welcome that thought.

Gaga's reliably mad videos

I knew Lady Gaga wouldn't disappoint. We've been hearing this song for a while, but now we get to see this piece of inspired madness. Here's the uncensored 9 minute version, which wouldn't embed, thanks to Vevo. There's also six hundred thousand people singing it themselves to wade through before you can get it, but that's becoming par for the course for any video these days. There's so much garbage, where you have to sit through 10 second ads as well, there's hardly a point anymore watching anything that has corporate sponsorship attached. Oh, by the way, this video is entertaining and all, but it's not nearly as dense and interesting as the last couple or so. There's some Madonna, kill bill, poisoned mayonaise sandwiches, Natural born killers and Thelma and Louise references, but there all quite obvious. Jonas Akerlund, longtime Madonna collaborator is fine, but Gaga should really get Michel Gondry to do her one.

I was right...

A while ago, I mused that Currently popular recording artist Kesha was going the same route as Katy Perry before her, lackluster follow-up singles, a dearth of performance chops when not supported by lavishly over-produced songs and the inevitable cheesiness of casual celebrity murdering the artistic impulse. This SNL performance with nonsensical alien interlude is the definitive proof. Insecure looks to stage right, where there must be some kind of person in charge of this looking on. It's almost like she was just released from the record company kennel and tossed in front of the studio lights for the first time ever. It's a shame really, for a moment I was beginning to believe the manufactured 'I don't give a shit' attitude she was peddling.

Rappers need more Movie scores

I usually don't write about rap because most of it doesn't do anything for me. But since there's a full-on rap assault on mainstream pop going on, there's been some cool pop songs coming out and you find yourself looking up some songs. But this guy isn't really in that group, on the same label though. There's subtle auto-tuning for once and I like the way the rap is missing the beat until the syncopation sets in. But what I love is the orchestra sample, giving the whole thing a wonderful patina of early sixties movie cocktail parties. So many rappers are content to loop an abstract beat pattern and a minimalist sample and try to put all the expressive content in the lyrics, which stretches a lot of these guys' singing abilities past the breaking point. Auto-tune is a decent fix for this problem, but a richer, more layered sample gets the point across much better.

After the apology, the redemption commercial...

The Tiger Woods scandal is about as boring as gets, millionaire sportsman cheats on his model wife? She hits him with a golf club? Snoozefest. But there's comedy gold in the ham-fisted way various image makers are trying to spin it. After the trite and insincere apology to the public, now there's a creepy admonishment from beyond the grave, while a luxuriant black and white shot of a blank, expressionless face fails to react in any way.
Most amusing: these results from a survey about what people felt after seeing this commercial. Mostly confusion, skepticism, disturbance, sadness. All things we will now associate with Tiger Woods. The one thing I would focus on, is his crazy wife. Why hasn't she been on Larry King or something?

Superhero mystique...

Since I avoid MTV like the plague these days, I didn't see this video until recently, and I'm glad because it spoiled the song for me. The heroes font queues the generic superhero plot, and then an ugly explosion of purple cgi, followed by questionable outfits, hair and makeup. This video really proves what makes superheroes in media other than comics so hard to do, it really is quite ridiculous if you don't get the tone right. Spandex doesn't look good on anyone really, and neither does a loose tank top. The song expertly mines a lot of pathos out of layering electric organ tones that would sound ridiculous on their own, achieving exactly what the video doesn't.

Rare Saturday post...

One more Music gripe. Two summers ago I was genuinely addicted to that Katy Perry song about her boring Lesbian adventure. Awful idea, singing, but awesome production. Then her second single went to much more boring and predictable places and I haven't cared since. The same thing is probably happening with Keisha, or however you're supposed to spell it. Compare if you will the rising tide of mediocrity:

Interesting, just the right kind of annoying first single:





Lackluster sophmore entries..:

Musical hairsplitting makes your life easier..

Thanks to the genius of music writers, I can now identify the two musical trends I love and loathe by easy labels. Kindercore is a label name but feels like it should be the name of the twee 'movement'. Owl City fits the definition but it also includes Belle and Sebastian and weirdly the Smiths, which I like. I can assume that's a bit of absurd bombardment of influences to forerunners, since for me at least, the whole point of the Smiths is the palatable lack of sincerity. Unfortunately for the label, which has a quite a few acts that I don't mind I'll never be able to identify them with anything else but this shit:



On the positive side is stuff like new young pony club, alphabeat, etc. Now collected under the name 'Wonky Pop'. Terrible name, but at least I can use it as a search term. Even if I've never heard of the band, it's become a reliable way of identifying what I like. Most of the DJ's doing the remixes are people left standing after 'electroclash' failed to become the next rock 'n roll. I couldn't think of a better recommendation.



If you want to make a sweet song, at least make it fast and danceable.

I can't stop watching the Venture Bros.

This little scene just about encapsulates what I love about this show. The total failure of almost all of it's characters at almost everything. The violence, obscure Nerdy references and dead baby comedy would be enough to keep me entertained, but there's very little replay value in it. I just can't get enough of the failure, though, it's just incredibly endearing. I found out recently that the show has a rabid fanbase, and that doesn't surprise me. Everything about it is pitched to the kind of people who care passionately about something weird and it just fills the void perfectly. It's pretty much the same gimmick X-men used, finding the right one-size-fits-all metaphor for a whole generation of people. This show is perfect for the disillusioned nerd of today. Combining Nostalgia and existential dread with snarky pop-culture humour, it catches the flavour of the times better than anything else at the moment.

celebrity news is becoming too mundane.

It was always banal, but the recent crop of celebrity news stories is just terrible. That 24-hour news cycle is wreaking havoc on the bland little dramas playing out on the airbrushed canvases that are supposedly real lives. How are we supposed to get excited about the same old stuff when you hear bout it every five minutes? Every time the cheryl cole song comes on the radio there's a joke about her failing marriage. I've heard so many jokes, it feels like I'm divorcing here. It's almost like they've caught on. Only reality stars surprised by the burgeoning popularity of their show are still caught out. There's a whole industry of publicists and other random media jockeys defusing, editing and just crushing the life out of every scandal before it even breaks. A friend of mine gets press-releases about impending 'spontaneous' flash mobs regularly. I never really bought all that stuff about the media being controlled, but then I've never been this bored by the low-rent shenanigans on T.V. Cheating, divorce, Micheal Jackson's death still mysterious? I'm beginning to think these people don't matter at all.